Conflict Resolution Skills, Part 1
Conflict occurs when people (or other parties) perceive that, as a consequence of a disagreement, there is a threat to their needs, interests or concerns.
“Conflict is a state of discord caused by the actual or perceived opposition of needs, values and interests. A conflict can be internal (within oneself) or external (between two or more individuals). Conflict as a concept can help explain many aspects of social life, such as social disagreement, conflicts of interests, and fight between individuals, groups, or organizations.” (Wikipedia on Conflict)
There is a tendency to view conflict as a negative experience caused by abnormally difficult circumstances. The people in the dispute (also known as disputants) tend to perceive limited options and finite resources available in seeking solutions, rather than multiple possibilities that may exist ‘outside the box’ (Healey, 1995).
Therefore, conflict can be defined as a disagreement through which the parties involved perceive a threat to their needs, interests or concerns (Mayer, 1990). Conflicts, to a large degree, are situations that naturally arise as we go about managing complex and stressful life situations in which clients are personally invested (Ury, 1988).
In this article, we look at two areas that need to be considered when working with conflict resolution: childhood attachments and values.
Conflict and Childhood Attachments
It can be helpful for counsellors to understand the client’s childhood experience of the attachment, formed with their primary caregivers in early childhood. This can affect clients as adults, as it creates expectations of how others will respond to them in the future (Hater, 1990).
People who grow up believing their needs will be met are resilient and able to remain focused, relaxed, and creative in challenging situations. People who grow up without such expectations will fear conflict, and will not trust themselves in conflict situations.
The aim of conflict resolution is to encourage clients to preserve their relationships and help them grow, by being able to confront and resolve conflicts promptly – without resorting to punishing, criticism, contempt or defensiveness (Conflict Resolution Network, 2006).
Types of Attachments – attachments developed in our formative years can be broadly categorised as either secure or insecure. Individuals who experienced mostly secure attachments with primary caregivers are likely to exhibit a secure response in the face of conflict. Similarly, individuals who experienced mostly uninvolved or insecure attachments are more inclined to display an insecure response in the event of conflict (Hater, 1990).
Secure responses to conflict are characterised by the capacity to recognise and respond to important matters; readiness to forgive and forget; the ability to seek compromise and avoid punishment; and the belief that resolution can support the interests and needs of both parties.
In contrast, an insecure response to conflict is characterised by an inability to recognise and respond to important matters; explosive, angry, hurtful, and resentful reactions; feelings of rejection, isolation, shaming, fear of abandonment, and the withdrawal of love; an expectation of bad outcomes; and the fear and avoidance of conflict (Hater, 1990).
For many, attempts to deal with conflict result in:
- Avoidance or withdrawal – e.g. let’s not talk about it
- Anger and verbal or physical aggression
- Emotional blackmail – e.g. you never, you always
- Inappropriate use of power – e.g. while you’re living in my home you will…
- Passive aggression – e.g. not talking to one another
- Compromise and giving in – usually leaving at least one person aggrieved
- Not one of the above results is an ideal way to end conflict.
Values and Conflict Resolution
Every person has distinctive viewpoints that are equally valid (from where they stand) as the other party involved in the conflict. Each person’s viewpoint makes a contribution to the whole and requires consideration and respect in order to form a complete solution.
This wider view can open up the communication transaction possibilities. It may require one party to change their mind chatter that says: “For me to be right, others must be wrong” (Alexelrod, 1984).
To apply conflict resolution skills, individuals need to consider how the problem or the relationship will look over a substantial period of time. Looking at the conflict or problem in question in terms of a longer timeframe can help individuals become more realistic about the consequences of the conflict as well as exploring options to resolve the conflict (Alexelrod, 1984).
People experiencing conflict tend to respond on the basis of their perceptions of the situation, rather than an objective review of it. This is where having a counselling intervention can benefit someone in overcoming their subjective frame of reference. Subsequently, people filter their perceptions (and reactions) through their values, culture, beliefs, information, experience, gender, and other variables. Conflict responses are both filled with ideas and feelings that can be very strong and powerful guides to our sense of possible solutions (Healey, 1995).
As in any problem, conflicts contain substantive, procedural and psychological dimensions to be negotiated. In order to best understand the threat perceived by those engaged in a conflict, all of these dimensions need to be considered.
When conflicts arise (or are likely to arise), it is important to develop healthy, functional and positive coping mechanisms to identify them, their consequences, as well as the strategies which can be used to manage them. New opportunities and possibilities may be discovered which in turn will transform the personal conflict into a productive learning experience (Healey, 1995).
Creative problem-solving strategies are essential to the application of positive approaches to conflict resolution. There is great importance in developing the ability to learn how to transform the situation from one in which it is ‘my way or the highway’ into one in which people entertain new possibilities that have been otherwise elusive (Ury, 1988).
When considering working with clients who might benefit from conflict resolution skills training it is important that the counsellor demonstrates the skills through practical application, such as role-play. This ensures the client can translate understanding into action and facilitates learning.
Additionally, conflict resolution training will not be effective if a client learns the skills but is afraid to apply them (eg. because their communication style is passive). A counsellor will need to recognise these factors and modify their training accordingly (eg. include assertiveness training in the process) (Healey, 1995).
The basic values a counsellor needs to be aware of:
- Every client has distinctive viewpoints that are equally valid (from where they stand) as the other party involved in the conflict. Each person’s viewpoint makes a contribution to the whole and requires consideration and respect in order to form a complete solution.
- This wider view can open up the communication transaction possibilities. It may require one party to change their mind chatter that says: “For me to be right, others must be wrong” (Alexelrod, 1984).
Encourage your client to consider how the problem or the relationship will look over a substantial period of time. Looking at the conflict or problem in question in terms of a longer timeframe can help clients become more realistic about the consequences of the conflict as well as exploring options to resolve the conflict (Alexelrod, 1984).
Clients experiencing conflict tend to respond on the basis of their perceptions of the situation, rather than an objective review of it. This is where having a counselling intervention can benefit the client in overcoming their subjective frame of reference.
Subsequently, clients filter their perceptions (and reactions) through their values, culture, beliefs, information, experience, gender, and other variables. Conflict responses are both filled with ideas and feelings that can be very strong and powerful guides to our sense of possible solutions (Healey, 1995).
As in any problem, conflicts contain substantive, procedural, and psychological dimensions to be negotiated. In order to best understand the threat perceived by those engaged in a conflict, all of these dimensions need to be considered.
As counsellors we can assist clients to develop healthy, functional and positive coping mechanisms for identifying conflicts likely to arise, the consequences, as well as the strategies in which clients can constructively manage their conflicts. New opportunities and possibilities may be discovered which in turn will transform the personal conflict into a productive learning experience (Healey, 1995).
Creative problem-solving strategies are essential to the application of positive approaches to conflict resolution. The client needs to be able to learn how to transform the situation from one in which it is ‘my way or the highway’ into one in which they entertain new possibilities that have been otherwise elusive (Ury, 1988).
References
- Alexelrod, R. M. (1984). The evolution of cooperation. New York: Basic Books.
- Conflict resolution Network, (2006) retrieved on 9 October, 2007 from www.crnhq.org.
- Hater, S. (1990). From conflict to resolution: strategies for diagnosis and treatment of distressed individuals. New York: Nerton.
- Healey, K. (1995). Conflict Resolution. Balmain: Spinney Press.
- Mayer, R. J. (1990). Conflict management: the courage to confront. Columbus, Ohio: Battelle Press.
- Ury, W. (1988). Getting disputes resolved: Designing systems to cut the costs of conflict. Calif: Jossey-Bass.
